Friday, 14 August 2009
I am putting the Beloved Blag into indefinate hiatus until such a time that its powers must be reawoken.
If you wish for me to share with you my private thoughts and opinions once more, purview my Twitter Account. It indeed updates frequently.
No, this is not a dream.
-William Monty Hughes
"Cogito Ergo Sum"
Monday, 13 July 2009
The prodigal son returns. Now slaughter the fatted cow!
I did not update on Friday as I had promised but not out of sloth, I have a genuine reason. Read on and be enlightened.
It seems that Carl "Ugly" Wheeler has created a counter-blag for my counter-blag! How deliciously meta! It is called "Xkcd is a paragon of hilarity sucks" and it is simultaneously pathetic and hilarious that he thought he could nullify MY actions with his own. Wheeler...
This is an extract from the blag:
"Did you notice that he claimed he would update his web-log with a new web-log-post last Friday, yet said web-log-post is nowhere to be found? What is the matter, Willy Huge? Did your corpulent corpus become entangled in your doorframe, and you were thus denied access to your computing room? HA! I scoff at the and look upon you in sad shame."
For your information, Mr. Wheeler, I have been sick for the past few days. My gargantuan brain has become addled by the plague. Does this surprise you? Perhaps you or one of your partners in crime did this to me? DID YOU?!?! A feeble effort as I am back now. You cannot stop me.
I believe it was the Spanish Influenza as my anti-bodies are extremely powerful and only a ridiculously potent virus could temporarily challenge them. You have to do better than that to stop the great William Monty Hughes forever, Wheeler.
Good news, my condition has recently improved and I am now fit to write blag posts. My gratitude to anyone and everyone who sent flowers, chocolate and letters. I valued your support!
Now on to more significant news, Carl "Ugly" Wheeler has temporarily abdicated his role as Satan to one of his possible successors. I believe this is a direct result of this very blag. I have INTIMIDATED him and he cannot cope. I assume he can no longer sleep, and if he does manage to, his nightmares are haunted by my figure. He spends every waking hour thinkin... FEARING me. He is a shell of a man. Poor Carl Wheeler.
The successor is a Dr. Hórrible. His last name is rather appropriate, don't you cogitate? His first name was not revealed, probably due to cowardice. I have mentioned my name on this blag (and Carl Wheeler's) COUNTLESS times, I do not fear you, or Wheeler, or any other psychopath who happens to frequent that blag.
I am also beginning to doubt that Hórrible is even a real physician, his comments and blag post simply scream "I AM A FRAUD!". Provide proof of your claim or I may have to report you to the local authorities. Incidentally, I suggest you quit, unless you want to follow in Carl Wheeler's foot-steps. You are a much weaker man than Wheeler, it would be so very easy to break you...
Additionally, in Carl Wheeler's other blag, he accuses me of being obese! Me! I am NOT over-weight. Nothing of the sort! I do not possess a camera at this moment, however I have scoured "Google" for several hours and I believe I have found my identical twin. Here he is:
Additionally, no I SHALL NOT SUCK YOUR PENIS DR. Hórrible. I am not a homosexual, and whilst I respect and tolerate your filthy views, I shall never, ever, agree to pleasure you sexually.
Note to self: Find long-lost twin and reunite with him. Perhaps he could guest-post on my blag? I hope so.
Also on the blag, Carl Wheeler denies allegations of being hideous. He is lying once more. Carl Wheeler is VERY, very ugly. Each time a child has looked directly at him, said child has died instantly and painfully. I wish I was lying but I am not.
Carl Wheeler also invited me to meet him, I saw through his charade and said "NO!". If I had agreed, he would have united with fellow morons and attempted to attack me by surprise. With blades. Possibly.
Now, I am proficient in the use of multiple martial arts and could dominate any other man on this planet in a one-on-one fight but it is possible that Carl Wheeler and his minions COULD have potentially beaten me. In numbers.
If Carl Wheeler ever invites you to meet with him, DO NOT TRUST HIM! He is scum. He is immoral. He is human vice made manifest in human form. Be weary of him.
I originally intended for this blag post to also include my detailed analysis on the latest "Xkcd" update, however doing so proved unfeasible so I shall have to make another blag post for that.
-William Monty Hughes
"Cogito Ergo Sum"
Farewell, seekers of knowledge!Use the comment box below to converse with me and fellow geni (that is, the plural of 'genius') or send me electronic mail at firstname.lastname@example.org
PS. MY NAME IS NOT "WILLY" MY NAME IS WILLIAM. WILLIAM MONTY FUCKING HUGHES.
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
I am William Monty Hughes. I was blessed with this title by my parents immediately after I was born. Or so I am informed.
First of all, I should not have to state this, but I must:
Refer to me fully and correctly or NOT AT ALL. This is your first (and only) warning. Doing so ENRAGES me.
NEVER EVER call me 'Willy'. I Am Not An Australian You MORON. If you call me Willy" I will be FORCED TO DELETE YOUR COMMENT. I will then revise the "brief list of people who I believe should expire slowly and with difficulty at some point in the near future" (entry to be created at a later date).
My gratitude to those of you willing to accept my (reasonable) demands.
Now, the purpose of this blag. As you can probably guesstimate from the title ("xkcd" is simultaneously hilarious and intellectually satisfying) is for intellectuals. The enlightened. Crusaders of quality. Sages.
"Xkcd" is an "online comic" by Mister Randall Munroe (if you are currently unaware) an extremely talented and intelligent man. I have also been informed that his physical appearance is above average. He is, by the majority of factors, considered "perfect".
The internet is LITTERED with these "web-comics" (most of which are abysmal). Dinosaur Comics, Achewood, PBF... Over-rated bastions of mediocrity and filth. Praised by idiots and "dorks" (interestingly, a dork is also the colloquial term for the penis of a whale, I assume there is a correlation shared by the origin of these two words, perhaps a future "google" search shall yield accurate results) who believe them to be of decency. This is not true. There are few genuinely decent web-comics. Amongst them are Control+Alternate+Detail, Least-I-Could-Do and Xkcd, including others. Each of these comics possess deluxe dialogue, exceptional art and capital comedy (I am utilizing the literary technique known as "alliteration".) They are all also criminally under-rated. I hope this will change in the future.
"Xkcd" is, clearly, the greatest webcomic of this century, and any other. Future, past and present. If someone were to tell me that Xkcd was "not very good", I would push said person down the stairs. To catalyse natural selection.
Some may lie to you, accusing "Xkcd" of having "slothful art". Disbelieve them. "Xkcd" is minimalistic but detailed and is pleasant to look at.
Sadly, "Xkcd" is a rather obscure web-comic. However, everyone who has laid eyes on this marvelous web-comic has been awe-struck! Some spread the gospel of Munroe, others commit suicide after having the knowledge that their lives have been fulfilled forced upon them, but others... Others grow jealous. Others grow bitter. They delude themselves. One such simpleton even went so far as to create a malovelent blag dedicated to "Xkcd's" "lack of quality". A liar. This "man" is Carl "Ugly" Wheeler. His nickname was given to him for his abominable appearance. It is said that if he were to time-travel (a ludicrous concept, but bear with me) and meet with the Elephant Man, the Elephant Man would run! Run in terror! Run from Carl Wheeler! I have analysed his psyche... He is deluded and quite insane. Possibly driven insane by jealousy? He claims to have once liked "Xkcd", so perhaps. His IQ is 7 (uber-retard). He told me this himself in a private message. When I laughed in his face, he quickly retaliated! He told me that it was a typographical error! That he had meant to type "124.2" (I had told him my IQ, but deliberately dropped it by 100, to 124). Carl Wheeler had obviously tried to fabricate intelligence by pretending to be more intelligent than him. Unbeknownst to Carl Wheeler, I had intentionally used a far lower IQ. I told him that my TRUE IQ was 224 but Carl Wheeler did not accept it... He couldn't accept it. He is a pathetic human being.
I lurked Carl's Satanic Blag... It was overpopulated by scum. Himself. His sycophants. His minions... All scum. All should die for the good of humanity. I found but a single kindred spirit, one known only as "Fred." Fred, if you're reading this: Send me a message. GET IN TOUCH WITH ME!
"Xkcdsucks" was becoming more popular each day. Eventually, the entire internet would be directly opposed to Randall Munroe and his wonderful web-comic. As they say, indoctrination (brainwashing)works primarily on the weak of mind. This could not, should not and must not happen.
I was pondering over how to defeat Carl "Ugly" Wheeler when I was given the solution... But by what? A celestial being? The universe itself? What? I do not know. I only know that I was chosen by forces beyond us mere humans to protect Randall Munroe. For some undefinable reason. I have been burdened with this task, and I SHALL fulfill it.
I was instructed to create this blag.
This blag shall defeat the villainous Carl Wheeler, who is motivated only by profit and hatred. Join this blog, fellow Guardians of Logic! FOR JUSTICE!
Deem Carl Wheeler's efforts nugatory!
Carl Wheeler cannot win. Carl Wheeler must not win. CARL WHEELER SHALL NOT WIN.
I shall update this blag on Friday, as hopefully by that date a new "Xkcd" will have been added to the site. It will be hilarious, thought-provoking, unique and bizarre (in a good way). No, I am not an oracle. However, I do know that Randall Munroe is an extraordinary individual. And that EVERY SINGLE "Xkcd" has fulfilled each and every one of my criteria. The same could be said for Achewood... ON OPPOSITE DAY!!!
If you are unenlightened, do not worry. "Xkcd" is known to but a few "elite". I am recruiting, as Randall Munroe seems to be opposed to self-advertisement. Shame. All should know of the paragon of quality that is "Xkcd"!
Remind yourself to show your gratitude to me in the "comment box" below.
-William Monty Hughes
"Cogito Ergo Sum"
Farewell, seekers of knowledge!
Use the comment box below to converse with me and fellow geni (that is, the plural of 'genius') or send me electronic mail at email@example.com
Monday, 6 July 2009
Brief list of people who I believe should expire slowly and with difficulty at some point in the near future
1. Carl "Ugly" Wheeler
5. "Doctor" Hórrible
6. Mr. Lostman
7. Jay (James)
8. Aloria (AWHORIA)
12. Roberto Màson
14. Landon Aaker
15. Landon Aaker (twice as awful as a standard no. 14 or 15 poster, thus his double inclusion)